Other:: Science ClassThe 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that!I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: (1) you have adirty mind, (2) you didn't read your homework, and (3) one day you aregoing to be very, very disappointed."

Hail Mary!:: Vicar, a priest and a rabbiA vicar, a priest and a rabbi were discussing how they divided up the collection plate.The vicar says, "I draw a line on the ground. I take the collection plate and throw it into the air. What lands that side of the line is for the Lord and the upkeep of his house, this side for mine."The priest says, "I draw a circle on the ground. I take the collection plate and throw it into the air. What lands inside the circle is for the Lord and the upkeep of his house, outside for mine."The rabbi says, "I take the collection plate, I throw it into the air. What the Lord catches is his....."

Hail Mary!:: Man Falls Asleep At Church...One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, myhusband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's veryembarrassing. What should I do?""I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I willmotion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him agood poke in the leg."In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticingthis, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made theultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones."Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with thehatpin."Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who isyour redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towardsMrs. Jones."God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin."Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did notnotice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a fewmotions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet herhusband with the hatpin again.The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she borehim his 99th son?"Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick thatgoddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in halfand shove it up your ass!""Amen," replied the congregation.

Other:: Bedroom Golf RulesEach Player shall furnish his own equipment - normally one club and twoballs.Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.Unlike outdoor golf, the object of the game is to get the club in thehole and keep the balls out of the hole.For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Courseowners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club toavoid damage to the hole.The object of the game is to use as many strokes as necessary until theowner of the course is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure todo so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately uponarrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time toadmire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played orare currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upsetcourse owners have been known to damage a players equipment for thisreason.Players are encouraged to bring proper rain-gear along, just in case.Players should assure themselves that their match has been properlyscheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the firsttime. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discoversomeone else playing what they consider to be their course.Players should not assume that a course is in a fit shape for play atall times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to betemporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactfulunder this situation.Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission beforeattempting to play the back nine.Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceedat a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the courseowner.It is considered outstanding performance, time permit...

Politics:: Little Johnny on politicsLittle Johnny asks his Dad, What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So Little Johnny goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So Johnny goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.The next morning, Little Johnny says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about". Johnny replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

Male Jokes:: The ladies roomOn a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament."Sir", she said,"You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. Theladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATRbutton which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face."What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."'

Farts are funny!:: Awumba!There were two medical students in the lunch-room discussing stuff."I tell you it's woomba, w, o, o, m, b, a. Woomba!""You're wrong, it's awumba, a, w, u, m, b, a. Awumba!"At this a nurse at the next table taps one of them on the shoulder and says "I think you'll find it's womb, w, o, m, b. Womb!", picks up her tray and leaves.One medic looks at the other and says "I bet she's never even seen a hippo, let alone hear one fart under water!".

Male Jokes:: Two of them!There was this couple who decided they wanted a deck built at the back of their house so they called a carpenter. The next morning the carpenter comes to their house and goes around the back to start work. The couples little boy follows him to watch the work being done.The carpenter picks up his hammer and the little boy says "my dad's got 2 of them" and the carpenter says "yeah ok mate sure". He then picks up his screwdriver and the little boy says "my dad's got 2 of them" and the carpenter says "yeah ok mate sure". This goes on for a while and the carpenter starts to get really shitty with the boy.After a while the carpenter needs to go take a leak so he walks down to the couples back yard toilet followed by the little boy. The boy walks in, looks at the carpenter's doodle and says "my dad's got 2 of them" and the carpenter says "yeah right mate sure you're full of #OOPS#". But the boy says "no serious, one that size and one bigger when he's chasing my mum around the house"

Other:: What if Vader had to deal with todays tech?Darth Vader took two giant strides toward the immense visiscreen thatoccupied the forward wall of the bridge of his flagshipImperial star destroyer. "We have them now," he rumbled. Whirling on thetechnicians cowering at their consoles, Vadersnapped, "Tractor beam!""Yes, Lord Vader," replied one, bending attentively to his task. Then helooked up hesitantly.Vader gestured dramatically at the screen, indicating the fleeingspacecraft. "I want a tractor beam on that ship," he declared."Now!" The technician busied himself with switches and dials."Where's that tractor beam?" roared Vader, his voice dark with menace.The other technicians turned frightened eyes on theirpeer. They knew what happened when Darth Vader's instructions weren'texecuted instantly."The tractor beam seems to be down, sir," quavered the technician."What do you mean down?" Vader inquired with a disturbing silkiness tohis voice."It's not accepting commands, sir," the technician explained.Another technician leaned over and examined the console. "That's odd. Thebeam itself is showing green," he pointed out."Yes, I know," agreed the first. "But I'm not getting any acknowledgmentto my 'Engage' command." He pressed a buttonseveral times to demonstrate."Maybe the network's down again," suggested a third technician."Oh, that could be," admitted the first technician. "The network might bedown, Lord Vader," he informed the large black figuretrembling with rage."What network?" Vader asked ominously.The second technician jumped in. "Since we've moved to a distributedarchitecture on the Imperial star destroyers, everything ison a network. It was felt that the direct connections were toounreliable."The third technician added. "The tractor beam is on one of theperipherals sub networks, with the printers and the scanners. It'snot on the main weapons network.""Why isn't the tractor beam on the weapons network?" asked Vader, nowmore puzzled than angry. The technicians...

Other:: Penguin and Ice-creamThis penguin is driving an old Holden on a hot, dusty dirt road in outback Queensland when the engine grinds to a halt and smoke starts to pour out from under the bonnet.So the poor little guy gets out and pushes the car for miles (hard work for a penguin) until he reaches an old service station in the middle of nowhere. This old walrus waddles out of the workshop, wiping his fins with an oily rag, grunts and pops open the bonnet to check out the engine.The penguin, exhausted and overheated, heads into the servo to cool off and buy himself an icecream. It melts before he finishes it and, what with only having his little wings to hold it with, he ends up with icecream all over his face as he heads back to the car.The walrus straightens up from under the bonnet and says to the penguin: "Looks like you've just blown a seal"The penguin says: "No no, I just had an icecream."