Other::Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee3. First words when kid gets on his lap are,"Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

Other::Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Santa• He recently starred in film called The Full Santy.• Asks all the mothers, "How 'bout a little lap action for mommy?"• Was recently suspended from NBA for choking his coach.• Beard catches on fire whenever he lights his crack pipe.• Every few minutes, his beard rustles, and you hear a muffled meow.• When kid asks for a bike, he says, "Good luck -- your parents look like cheap-ass bastards."• He's doubled over, gasping for breath, after the second "Ho."• Amuses kids by demonstrating the "sleeper hold" on an elf.• His "beard" consists of a dozen styrofoam peanuts glued to his face.• Always starts off by asking, "You ain't Jewish, are ya?"

Other::Barbie and Ken's letters to SantaDear Santa,Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathingsuits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay backtime!!There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller arethese bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earringanyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, make us anatomically correct.4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "StopSmoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.10. mattel st...

Other::BabysBaby's are like farts, ya hate other peoples, but relish your own!MOZFrom IDEAL

blondes::blonde jokeThere is a red head , a brunette and a blond. The are hiding from the cops. The red head hides behind a dog. The brunette hides behind a cow and the blonde hides behind a potato sack. The red head said woof woof, the brunette says moo moo moo and the blonde says potato potato potato.

Other::Couple of quickies!Joke 1:A Great Aussie Love Story equal to Romeo and Juliet.Daryl is driving over the West Gate Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:"Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?"Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says: "G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself". Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this."Shazza", he says "Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too" and drives off.Joke 2:My Dear Wife,You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:My Dear Husband,I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, 18 years old.As a successful businessman who has An excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the Same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Female Jokes::For the ladiesUCLA STUDY (VERY INTERESTING & SHORT)A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that theKind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending onWhere she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, sheIs attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she isMenstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to:A man with Duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is onFire!!.No further studies are expected.

Other::It's important to understand english!I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to thecurrency exchange window at the local bank.Short line.Just one guy in front of me . . . an Asian guy who was trying to exchangeyen for dollars and he was a little irritated . .He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla foyen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people, too

Other::Give me credit please!Last night, some of my Shipmates and I went to a Gentleman's Club. A bunch of officers were there, too.A Lieutenant there wanted to impress the rest of us, so he pulled out a $10 bill. When the dancer came over to us, the Lieutenant licked the $10 bill and stuck it to her butt cheek!Not to be outdone, a Commander pulls out a $20 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to her other butt cheek.In another attempt to impress the rest of us, the Captain pulls out a $50 bill and calls the girl over, and licks the bill.I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately he just stuck it to one of her butt cheeks, again.My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the girl gyrates over to me!Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the girl's egging me on to try to top the $50.My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?Then the Chief in me took over!I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of her butt, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went to the bar.

Male Jokes::New Shoes for GennaroGennaro is in this country for only 6 months.He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes..He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.After about 6 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them..Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight,But how do you know?'Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes.How do you like them?'Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you know that?'He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes.How do you like them?'Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,Gennaro asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red.He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,Please, please, tella me this true!'Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'Gennaro gasps, 'Thanka God ...I thought I had a crack in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'