You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

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A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds --- "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing --- "You can have mine."

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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

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A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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The young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
His dad responded, "That happens in every country, son."

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Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."

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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

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You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

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The first dude bragged, "My wife's an angel!"
The second dude sadly said, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex

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The husband had just finished his book --- "Man of the house."
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he announced, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!"

He added, "I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director."