fart in a jar :: Forum

Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid [by LePetomane]

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 00:55:47 +2000

Other::Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid
10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are,
"Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Santa [by LePetomane]

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 00:54:17 +2000

Other::Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Santa
• He recently starred in film called The Full Santy.
• Asks all the mothers, "How 'bout a little lap action for mommy?"
• Was recently suspended from NBA for choking his coach.
• Beard catches on fire whenever he lights his crack pipe.
• Every few minutes, his beard rustles, and you hear a muffled meow.
• When kid asks for a bike, he says, "Good luck -- your parents look like cheap-ass bastards."
• He's doubled over, gasping for breath, after the second "Ho."
• Amuses kids by demonstrating the "sleeper hold" on an elf.
• His "beard" consists of a dozen styrofoam peanuts glued to his face.
• Always starts off by asking, "You ain't Jewish, are ya?"

Barbie and Ken's letters to Santa [by LePetomane]

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 00:51:21 +2000

Other::Barbie and Ken's letters to Santa
Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back
time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring
anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning
Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorise my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In
addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb.

Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and
others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

Babys [by LePetomane]

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 01:30:31 +2000

Other::Babys
Baby's are like farts, ya hate other peoples, but relish your own!

MOZ

From IDEAL

Couple of quickies! [by LePetomane]

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 00:07:48 +2000

Other::Couple of quickies!
Joke 1:
A Great Aussie Love Story equal to Romeo and Juliet.
Daryl is driving over the West Gate Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.
Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:

"Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?"
Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says: "G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself". Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

"Shazza", he says "Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too" and drives off.

Joke 2:
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.

I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has An excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the Same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

It's important to understand english! [by LePetomane]

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 23:23:52 +2000

Other::It's important to understand english!
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the
currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line.

Just one guy in front of me . . . an Asian guy who was trying to exchange
yen for dollars and he was a little irritated . .
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo
yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people, too

Give me credit please! [by LePetomane]

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 23:17:40 +2000

Other::Give me credit please!
Last night, some of my Shipmates and I went to a Gentleman's Club. A bunch of officers were there, too.

A Lieutenant there wanted to impress the rest of us, so he pulled out a $10 bill. When the dancer came over to us, the Lieutenant licked the $10 bill and stuck it to her butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, a Commander pulls out a $20 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to her other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, the Captain pulls out a $50 bill and calls the girl over, and licks the bill.
I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately he just stuck it to one of her butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the girl gyrates over to me!
Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the girl's egging me on to try to top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

Then the Chief in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of her butt, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went to the bar.

Marriage [by LePetomane]

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 08:58:04 +2000

Other::Marriage
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

-------------------

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

-------------------

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds --- "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing --- "You can have mine."

------------------

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

-----------------

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

-----------------

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

------------------

The young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
His dad responded, "That happens in every country, son."

------------------

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."

------------------

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

------------------

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

------------------

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

-----------------

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

-----------------

The first dude bragged, "My wife's an angel!"
The second dude sadly said, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

-----------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex

-----------------

The husband had just finished his book --- "Man of the house."
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he announced, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!"

He added, "I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director."

The Reporter and the Pilot [by LePetomane]

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:51:01 +2000

Other::The Reporter and the Pilot
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Dear Wifey [by LePetomane]

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:40:31 +2000

Other::Dear Wifey
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne.

After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'